Marijuana and me

This text is troublesome to write down. It is an admission that I failed. And it is not like I failed as soon as, however failed repeatedly over the course of a number of years. And it is not that I actually failed failed, you realize. It is that I failed myself. I did not dwell as much as my very own expectations.

However I am getting forward of myself. Let me begin at first.

Goody Two-Footwear

I grew up Mormon. Amongst different issues, this meant that no person in my household consumed leisure medicine of any variety. Mormons have a strict prohibition in opposition to such indulgences. And, as most people know, they even take their stricture in opposition to “robust drink” to imply that caffeine is forbidden.

So, my dad and mom did not drink alcohol or espresso. They did not smoke cigarettes. They did not do something that led to altered states. Hell, my father even hated tv as a result of he thought-about it a “plug-in drug”. For a lot of my childhood, we did not have a TV. Once we did have a TV, entry was typically restricted.

My dad and mom left the Mormon church once I was a freshman in highschool. We returned to the native Mennonite congregation during which my father was raised. Mennonites aren’t fairly so restrictive with mind-altering substance as Mormons are — they love their espresso! — however they’re shut.

In highschool, I used to be by no means tempted by alcohol. I had buddies who would drink, nevertheless it by no means appealed to me. Plus, it was in opposition to the foundations.

Additionally in highschool, I had buddies who found marijuana. Whereas I used to be ambivalent about booze, I used to be actively against pot. I believed it was evil. Plus, it was unlawful. As a rule follower, there was no approach I might contact the stuff. And once I was with buddies who did get stoned, I might learn them the riot act. (I as soon as chewed out my finest buddy Sparky as a result of he had the gall to get stoned whereas we had been ready in line to purchase tickets for a Tears for Fears live performance.)

Basically, I began life as a Goody Two-Footwear. I refused to do something unlawful or immoral, and I condemned others for selecting something that I would not select. I used to be a self-righteous younger man who could not see that there is no single Proper Reply to life.

Whats up, School

School opened my eyes. I used to be uncovered to a whole lot of different sensible children, most of whom had radically completely different backgrounds from my very own. They believed various things than I did and so they made completely different selections. As a result of I lived with them and noticed that they had been (principally) good individuals, it was unattainable for me to sentence my classmates as evil or immoral. No, they merely had completely different backgrounds which led them to have completely different worldviews.

Most of my buddies in school drank alcohol, as an example. Our campus was a form of protected haven for underage ingesting, with an express “do not ask, do not inform” coverage. So, children drank. So much. I experimented with alcohol a bit too, however I did not just like the stuff so did not drink repeatedly.

It is most likely no shock that school is the place I first smoked pot. Marijuana use wasn’t widespread, nevertheless it wasn’t uncommon both. And the youngsters who used it did not attempt to disguise it. By the point my ethical stance in opposition to the stuff had weakened, it was a easy matter to search out anyone within the dorm who would present me the right way to get stoned.

I smoked pot 3 times in school. The primary time was superior. It is nonetheless certainly one of my favourite reminiscences. However the different two instances I smoked the stuff, I used to be unimpressed. I barely bear in mind the incidents. Weed held even much less enchantment to me than booze.

As an grownup, marijuana was by no means an choice. For one, it was nonetheless unlawful and I’m nonetheless (principally) a rule follower. Extra to the purpose, my ex-wife was a forensic chemist for the state police. She wasn’t allowed to make use of unlawful medicine or to be round anybody else who was utilizing them. To take action would have price her a profession. She was effectively conscious of this, and so was I. Neither of us had been ever remotely tempted.

So it’s that I managed to keep away from marijuana from the time I left school till the time leisure use turned authorized within the state of Oregon.

Legalized Marijuana

When Kim and I returned from our 15-month RV journey, Oregon had legalized marijuana. I made a decision to experiment with it.

My expertise with pot began slowly. I had actual issues inhaling the stuff, so I shied away from smoking it and opted as a substitute for edibles. I favored gummies. I additionally favored tinctures I may take underneath my tongue.

The issue with edibles and tinctures, although, is that they have an inclination to have variable onset and variable results. If I eat a gummy at, say, six within the night, it may take anyplace from thirty minutes to a few hours to set in. And when it units in, it may give me a light buzz or it may flip me right into a puddle of pudding on the sofa.

In time, although, I realized the right way to smoke weed. I additionally realized which strains gave me a contented little excessive (versus sending me to Loopy City). I significantly favored Willy’s Wonder.

In late 2016, once I first started experimenting with pot, I perhaps used it as soon as per week. As an alternative of ingesting on a Friday night time, I might get stoned.

The frequency with which I used pot elevated over time. This occurred for a couple of causes.

• First, pot is cheaper than alcohol. It is a lot cheaper, the truth is. A package deal of ten gummies may cost a little me $20 (though it is normally much less). At one or two gummies per use, that is solely $2 or $4 per night of enjoyable.
• Second, pot has fewer energy than alcohol. Should you smoke marijuana, you devour no energy in any respect. Wine and (particularly) beer are filled with energy. So, in concept, utilizing pot is smarter for my waistline. (In actuality, utilizing pot virtually all the time gave me the proverbial “munchies”. My snacking whereas stoned was off the charts!)
• Third, and most significantly, pot helped me sleep. I’ve hassle sleeping. It sucks. However once I take pot I sleep soundly. It is so wonderful!

Due to these three components — particularly due to the higher sleep — my pot use crept from a couple of times per week to virtually each single night time. It took a few years to get there, however get there it did.

By the point the pandemic hit, I used to be a each day marijuana person. Should you’ve been studying me for some time, you realize that this was additionally across the time that my psychological well being issues peaked. (Stunning!)

Stoner J.D.

I’ve all the time struggled with melancholy — that is been current since fifth or sixth grade — however by 2019 I might sunk to new lows. And as 2020 arrived, the melancholy turned coupled with nervousness. Oh, how a lot nervousness I had! It was dreadful. It prevented me from engaging in even fundamental duties. (Ask Kim how troublesome it was to get me to make a fundamental telephone name…)

However the worst factor was that I might develop into silly. I’ve all the time considered myself as a wise man, a man who likes to learn and assume Deep Ideas and have complicated discussions with buddies. However I used to be turning into dumber and dumberer, and I may sense it. I really started to panic as soon as I noticed that I used to be dropping the power to write down a coherent article or essay.

For me, writing is life. Writing is how I course of my ideas and emotions and the world round me. If I am unable to write, I am crippled. The pot was leaving me wordless and damaged.

However I did not know that the pot was taking away my skill to write down. I did not know that the pot was making it robust for me to learn. I did not know that the pot was exacerbating my melancholy and inflicting my nervousness and turning me right into a bitter outdated man. I could not see the supply of my issues. All I knew was that this stuff had been taking place, and I hated it. To manage, I received stoned. Once more. And getting stoned simply made me extra anxious and silly.

There have been instances I might go weed-free for some time. These situations typically occurred once I was touring. If I had been headed to Europe for a couple of weeks, as an example, I might don’t have any entry to marijuana. I used to be fantastic with that. In my head, I did not have an issue with the stuff. Pot was simply one thing I used to sleep and (a couple of times per week) as an alternative choice to alcohol.

I used to be lacking some apparent indicators that sure, I actually did have an issue. Here is an instance.

Throughout my three-week journey to Portugal, Wisconsin, and California in 2019, I had actual hassle initially of the journey. I used to be attending an F.I. chautauqua, which ought to have been enjoyable and thrilling. As an alternative, I struggled mightily. I slept like shit. I couldn’t focus. Worst of all, I used to be irritable. I used to be an asshole. I managed to alienate a few colleagues, which I deeply remorse.

By the point I reached Joshua Tree on the finish of these three weeks, my disposition had improved. However nonetheless I did not notice that sure, I had an issue with pot. That sure, I might skilled withdrawal symptoms in Portugal. That sure, quitting could be the most effective transfer for me.

Nope.

Once I returned dwelling, I resumed taking THC to assist me sleep each night time. The truth is, I upped my marijuana use as a result of I used to be making an attempt to shed pounds. I sharply curtailed my alcohol consumption and allowed myself to make use of as a lot pot as I needed — particularly as soon as COVID hit a few months later.

I turned your stereotypical stoner.

By the Numbers

As most of you realize, I am a numbers nerd. I like to trace issues in spreadsheets. No shock then that for the previous eighteen months, I have been logging each alcoholic drink I devour and each time I exploit pot.

This has been useful.

As an alternative of guessing at how a lot I drink and the way a lot pot I exploit, the numbers inform me the reality. (It helps that I am fully trustworthy with my spreadsheet. It is mindless to “cheat” by placing in false numbers. That may defeat the aim.)

I started this spreadsheet as a result of I needed to doc my issues with alcohol. As an alternative, I discovered myself extra involved with my marijuana use. Sure, the numbers confirmed that I ought to cut back my alcohol consumption, however my ingesting actually wasn’t too far out of line with really helpful tips. My pot use was.

I took 265 doses of marijuana throughout 2021 — then an analogous quantity throughout the first half of this 12 months. And people doses grew stronger and stronger with time. Once I smoked, I took deeper hits. Once I consumed edibles, I took extra of them.

Then, about two months in the past, I ended utilizing marijuana. This wasn’t deliberate at first. It simply occurred.

Throughout the day, I used to be performing heavy bodily labor as I landscaped the entrance yard. This bodily exertion made it straightforward to go to sleep at night time. Plus, within the night Kim and I had been ingesting extra beer as heat climate set in. These two components led to a streak of ten days throughout which I did not use pot in any respect.

I prolonged this streak when Kim and I flew to go to her mom in Colorado. I had no pot with me, so I wasn’t tempted. By the point we returned dwelling, I might seen one thing attention-grabbing: I felt nice. For the primary time in a very long time, I felt clear-headed. I felt motivated. I felt like my outdated self once more.

“Do you assume I really feel good as a result of two weeks has been sufficient time for the THC to depart my system?” I requested Kim. (THC is the lively chemical in marijuana, the stuff that will get you “excessive”. It lingers within the bloodstream, which results in residual results even when you have not used it for some time.)

“Possibly,” she mentioned. “Most likely. You need to preserve testing it.” So I did.

Two weeks with out pot become three weeks with out pot. That become 4 weeks. Then 5 after which six. It is now been practically two months since I used marijuana. At this level, I really feel assured concluding that the marijuana was inflicting a lot of my issues. Not all of my issues, after all, however a lot of them.

I final used marijuana on Independence Day. Since then, my temper has improved remarkably. My fragile psychological well being appears to be regaining stability. I have been vastly extra productive up to now two months than at some other level since coming back from the RV journey. I’ve develop into extra sociable. I am studying extra and making extra long-term plans. I am writing a ton. The one factor that is actually suffered has been my sleep. (Marijuana certain helps me sleep!)

Marijuana Is Not My Good friend

Look, I am not anti-pot.

I am not right here to sentence marijuana use for society at giant. I am right here to sentence marijuana use for me.

However this is the factor. Whereas I help your skill to decide on marijuana, I not need to select it for myself. I’ve seen first-hand simply how profound an impact it could have on an individual. Every day that passes since my final use, my thoughts boggles at how a lot happier and extra productive I’ve develop into.

Once more, that is true for me. It may not be true for others, together with you. If utilizing pot helps you, unbelievable. Puff away. It did not assist me — even once I thought it was doing so. I had, primarily, allowed myself to develop into the stereotypical high-school stoner: lazy, unmotivated, nonchalant, apathetic. This led to deep self-recrimination…then additional pot use.

It feels superior to be my outdated self once more. This summer time, I’ve actually loved rediscovering the right way to learn books and the right way to write lengthy articles like this one. I am impressed by my skill to have some troublesome (however much-needed) conversations, conversations that in some circumstances I’ve delay for years as a result of marijuana-enhanced nervousness.

I am not saying that every one of my issues have magically disappeared. I am nonetheless simply as tousled as the following particular person. However a minimum of proper now, I am not including gasoline to the fireplace. I have not shackled myself within the chains of THC. I am granting myself the power to work my approach via a few of my points as a substitute of accelerating the burden with weed.

Subsequent up? Alcohol.

Once I determined to surrender pot in July, I gave myself permission to drink what I needed for some time. Properly, it has been some time. It is time for me to chop again on the booze once more.

A Troublesome Day

In the present day was robust. Kim and I reached the troublesome determination to euthanize Mother’s cat. We fostered Bonnie in January when Mother moved to reminiscence care, and it has been one lengthy, expensive, flea-infested journey.

Earlier than taking her to the vet, nevertheless, I drove ninety minutes north to present Mother and Bonnie some last time collectively. For practically an hour, they melted into one. They had been each so, so joyful. Then I drove ninety minutes again to Corvallis and sat with Bonnie till she had crossed the Rainbow Bridge.

Now, as we close to bedtime, I am agitated and conscious. I do know from expertise that this can be a unhealthy mixture. The probably result’s that I will not have the ability to go to sleep. I will toss and switch and my thoughts will spin, however I will be up till midnight or one o’clock — or perhaps even 4.

My regular answer for this — regular since 2016, anyhow — can be to smoke some weed. Once I’m wired at night time, I do know {that a} hit of Willy’s Marvel or Blue Dream will knock me out.

I am not going to do it, although. Sure, I will probably be depressing tomorrow as a result of lack of sleep. I settle for that. However you realize what? I might fairly have one unhealthy night time than enable myself to relapse into that darkish and fixed state of self-loathing that is been my norm for the previous six years…